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2003-05-08 20:10 p.m.
going under

Jay finally talked to me!!!! Spent half an hour on the phone to him and Chris. Explained my cryptic diary entries. I miss them so much. I didn't realise how much until we talked.

And then I phoned Stuart. Told him about this (paper) diary. In some weird way I want him to read this, get everything out in the open. Come what may.

Punish me for feeling this way but why shouldn't I?

I wish I knew what I wanted. Sitting waiting for Gary - thinking maybe I should have brought Chris along. But if anything happens so be it. Whatever. I have suicidal tendencies, clearly. I don't think anything will happen though.

<...............>

I keep saying what am I doing wrong, when in reality what am I doing so right?

Should I <.....> become psycho Essex slut - would that help people just leave me alone!

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