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2003-05-08 16:50 p.m.
issues
I have this (paper diary) now, and made the decision to stop writing in my online diaries, but now that I have this, I have no idea where to start. I have so many issues and no fucking clue on how to resolve them. I'm too chicken shit to actually talk to the people involved. Heaven forbid that someone ever actually knows whats really going on inside me. That I still have suicidal thoughts. Scared to trust after everything thats happened. Scared that I'm transferring my need to have someone there for me <......> Thats the only way I can describe it. <......> Scared and confused from what has happened <.....> Maybe Fletcher was right and I am too intense <......> Turn into psycho Essex slut. Will people still like me then? What am I even? I like BDSM, but is that for BD or SM. Slave or servant or switch. Could I be dominant? I don't know if I could be submissive. Not truely. I'm too volatile, too quick to anger and misunderstandings. Too paranoid. And most importantly I can't trust people enough to let them in. Not for a while. <.....> There is also <..>. Who loves me. And has done for a few weeks. What am I to do about that? That little revelation came at completely the wrong time. There is no way anything can or will happen. <....> And yet, I can't really say anything. One of my flaws. Can't stand people not liking me, so I guess I have become a chameleon... Enough now so that I don't think I will ever find the real me again. Its ingrained too deep - this need to have people like me. <......> And then we come to Ben. And here I don't really know what to write. All I know is that I don't want to get back together with him. I want to stay single. I do, and that means no starting things <....> Dissapointment written all over my face after a phone call yesterday. But I'm starting to think its a good idea that he can't meet me. I need to distance myself. Try to anyway. Still going down to see <...> In my mind, see I can have fun without you. Maybe this time I can get lucky and not dance with the gay guys.
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