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2003-06-06 10:10 p.m.
edgy
I feel restless. Edgy. Whats wrong. I was wired today - I attribute that to the CD I've been listening too. Its bouncy happy and not miserable loaded with bad memories. OK, so it reminds me of him - but I'm thinking of the car journey when we were listening to them most of the way to and from Plymouth, and Stuart on the stage at the club. Awwww, he's so cute dancing. ARGH don't think of last weekend. Treat Stuart like Chris. NO!!!! Actually treat Stuart like Gav, think of good things. I'm his little hot water bottle. Maybe thats why I'm calmer, more rational - because I've come to some ........ desicion without knowing it. Of course I'm not risking it for a while. That would just be stupid. Ben was meant to come over today and I'm so glad he didn't. I really don't feel up to doing anything, let alone meeting him and dealing with more emotions. I don't feel as dizzy or light-headed much today. Just shaky, fragile and very very weak. I'm glad I was (strong enough? cowardly enough?) - it seems too much effort and it scares me <...........> That terrifies me
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