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2003-06-09 10:05 p.m.
flying pigs
I thought I was doing ..... ok. As much as I could be. Still on a downward spiral of depressive slumpness. But I didn't seem to be getting any worse, until Saturday/Sunday when Ben came round. Got me thinking. How can a hug from behind leave me so stiff and uncomfortable and yet feel the rightest thing in the world. Left me thinking of when Stuart hugged me from behind. What I could have done. Then and with Ben. I mean, I couldn't have a more complicated personal life right now. Could I? Been doing well with not texting people. If they text me first then its ok. Left me feeling lonely. Restless. Edgy. Or is it everything thats left me feeling like that over the weekend. Restless, yet weak. I feel faint when just walking up stairs at the moment. Out of breath. Almost blacked out on the train earlier. But I just can't eat. I do try - but I just feel ill. Jon sent me a text today - did I want to go to a rock club in Croydon with him on Friday. I do. I really do. I miss Jon. And yet - I'm nervous. What if Stu is coming too. What will I do. I don't know. I really need to just get away from everywhere and be by myself See if I can sort my head and heart out. Who knows I may actually accomplish it. Yeah, and pigs will fly
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