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2003-06-01 4:19 p.m.
hindsight is a bitch!
He came round. I didn't really want to see him today. Him being him, he guessed I was pissed off. I chickened out yesterday though. Any number of guys I could have picked up - but I just couldn't. I don't know why. I have another theory - am I feeling like this because I'm scared? Scared of loosing Stu. I lost Steve to his girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, I'm super happy he found someone - but he was the person I turned to for advice - the one I trusted as much as I could. And now - now we don't talk at all. I'm scared that that might/will happen with Stu. Who again is someone like Steve. Hell Stu has seen some of this diary in its naked form (on paper). I was even going to let him read the entry made yesterday until I wrote all these this morning. Finance will be tight again this month. But thats the best thing that could happen - the whole distance thing that I was trying to put into motion and that got blown can now start again. Worried about Antony. His phones not been on all weekend. Wondering if I should move down here and in with Jon, Paul and Kiri. All three of them are fantastic, but I just feel a bit intimdated. Left out. That seems to be a big theme in my life. Now that I'm living my life and going out, I find its really not all its cracked up to be. Its probably just me. I still feel the way I did on Thursday when I broke down. I'm not pretty, or cute or whatever. Thoughts going through my head right now <........> It has to be somewhere no-one can see <.....> Other thoughts: what would happen if I were to just get off the train at a random station and just .... disappear. Thats a long-running thought. Right up there with coma me. Wonder if Stu has even started reading this online yet? Fuck I need distance.
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